Guess who’s back?

I am. I’ve officially made the move to Springfield, Mo and I now have all of my belongings (including my computer). This means my posts should become frequent once again.

That is all.

-Sam

Visiting An Old Friend

Today was the first time I had darkened the doors of a church, as a visitor, in a long time.

I was raised in church and the “churchy” culture of, at first, a nondenominational variety and then the A/G persuasion.

I warily went with some friends who invited me. It felt like being invited to a former friend’s house who you probably should’ve kept in touch with, but didn’t. Walking into the sanctuary, I couldn’t escape the heavy feeling of shame that came over me. It wasn’t even sin shame. It was more of a “We didn’t keep in touch and it was definitely my fault” shame. I had been the one who kept the relationship strained and distant. I was angry, beaten down, and defeated by the Church and its members, and by association, God.

The songs begin and the Hillsong-esque lyrics flash upon the screens at the front. People jump into singing about how they love God “so so so so much!” It felt like watching a Kid’s Bop version of worship. The lyrics remained fairly vague and repetitive. It wasn’t until the 3rd song that I legitimately felt something.

“There Is Nothing Like” is one of my all-time favorite worship songs. I’ll know the words until I die. In the midst of being ashamed and feeling awkward, it felt like God began singing this song to me. It felt like he had switched around the person of the song and telling me that “he’ll love me forever.”

It was like he accepted my silent apology in song. “Sorry it’s been a while. I’ve been dealing with my own stuff. I didn’t want to talk to you.” “That’s ok. I’ll love you forever.”

The rest of the service rambled on through the end of worship and through moments of speaking by exuberant people as they read scripture, update the community, and preach a sermon.

I probably won’t return to this church, just because it’s too similar to the churches I’ve been raised in and that I’ve worked in; but there was definitely a reason for me to be here today, even if it was only for God to let me know that he still knows I exist and that he loves me.

Today, for the first time, I felt wonderstruck.

Moving Time

I’m currently making the move from Dallas, TX to Springfield, Mo. As such, my blogs will become much more sparse until Mid-June. I’ve been here since April 22nd, which is why there hasn’t been a post since. My access to computers is very limited. The good news is, I do have a job up here, and a place to crash until I can afford an apartment. This is an exciting new chapter in my life and I look forward to the adventure these next few years may hold. 😀

Thanks for understanding!

-Sam

One Less Lonely Person

In the evening of April 16th, 2013, on a whim after having seen it on Amazon on a recommended list, I purchased the book “Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-vs.-Christians Debate” by, Justin Lee. At roughly 5:40 a.m CST, as a thunderstorm raged and lit up my room with flashes of light, I finished the book whilst curled up in my blankets with my smartphone plugged into my charger as the Kindle app ran continuously. I couldn’t get enough of the book and the reasoning for this is pretty clear to me. Once again, in the middle of the night, God was letting me in on something; I am not alone.

I know, I know; simple right? You’d think so for most people, but as someone who is both gay and a Christian, this feeling is more prevalent than you would think.

Justin and I share much of the same story, though there are some deviations throughout. We both grew up in homes where both parents were incredibly loving. We both grew up in the South (in the good ol’ Bible Belt). We were both raised in Christian homes. The deviation comes when we take into account things like my being molested by multiple men in my life. Justin wasn’t (this is actually a discussion point in his book). Despite the differences, reading through his book was like reading a template of my life’s progression. As he chronologically ventured into each area of his life, I found myself becoming more and more captivated by what would occur, if only because I wanted to know how alike our stories were. I wanted to know if he encountered the same things I did. I again wanted to know that I wasn’t alone.

Justin eloquently delves through the journey of his life, pitting the traditions of the Church against the experiences of himself and others. He doesn’t do so in a way that is flippant of either side of the tracks. This isn’t a gay Christian lawyer versus the evangelical Christians of today. This is a man who has been making, and is still making, his journey through understanding how sexuality interacts with Christianity. There is no “Us-vs-Them” dichotomy in the book, merely an experiential outline and struggle. Justin’s views stated in the book aren’t easily come to. Though there are many gay Christians who decide that, based on experience, they can’t make themselves straight so being gay MUST be OK, (Justin addresses this view in the book) Justin isn’t one of those people. He fights with the scriptures and wrestles with them before forming and then elaborating on his positions in this debate.

I had known of Justin before reading his book, but only in a passing manner. Other gay friends of mine had mentioned him to me and had mentioned his network. I had read his stance on gay relationships through his page here and had agreed with much of it, but hadn’t gone much further than that. I was midway through the book before I looked him up on Google and was like, “Oh yeahhh. That guy.” What I had known of him before was good, but reading this book made me respect him.

As someone who loves a good debate, one of the things I can’t stand is when people hold beliefs that they can’t defend; or when they defend them in a flippant manner such as, “I just believe this.” I love hashing out ideologies and reasonings and listening to people’s apologetics. To me, it’s a sign that someone has come to their belief through good critical thinking and time. Justin is one of the people I would get along with in debates, for he is such a person. I can’t recommend this book to my friends enough. Especially with the way current events bear down on social networks like Facebook and Twitter, books like this shine a light in a really dark room.

Justin’s book takes a look at all sides of the debate whilst not painting anyone as a “villain.” There are people and stances he takes issue with, but never in a condescending or condemning way. Even if you don’t agree with the theology in the book, there’s no way you could read it and feel unloved. Justin is a shining example of Christ’s unconditional love for all, and that light shows itself throughout the pages. Pick up this book. Seriously.

Amazon: Here

Barnes & Noble: Here

Official Site: http://www.tornbook.com/

The Journey Through the FAYZ

I just finished reading “LIGHT” by, Michael Grant. It’s the conclusion of the GONE series. I find myself seemingly overwhelmed by the impact these six books have had on me. They’re absolutely incredibly, but will leave no person unchanged should they decide to pick them up and journey through the FAYZ with the characters they’ll grow to love, hate, and fear.

I started reading the GONE series 5 years ago. My first year in college I had picked up GONE and from there I was hooked. I awaited each book release with excitement and trepidation because I knew that whatever was going to take place on those pages was going to be an emotional roller coaster. There are moments that are beautiful, moments that are terrifying, and moments where you think the situation couldn’t POSSIBLY get any worse, but you’d be wrong.

There is something different about reading through this series as opposed to other series’ that have similar themes or scenarios. The Hungers Games may be brutal, but GONE is harrowing. It’s Lord of the Flies with super powers and a lot less hope. Don’t get me wrong, there is hope throughout, but the world presented here is so bleak for so long that you almost begin to lose hope as some the characters do.

The stories of the children in these books are so powerful though. Quinn, Sam, Lana, Edilio, Caine, Diana, Brianna, Orc, etc. They are all meaningfully laid out through each of the novels. These kids go from being young, innocent teenagers to powerful, thoughtful adults, even over the course of the year and a half or so that they’re in this situation. Some kids lead, some run away. Some kids kill, some protect. Factions are built. People choose sides. Lives are lost. The whole time you’re reading through this epic war-like scenario that thought keeps springing to the forefront of your mind, “These are kids. Good God, these are kids.”

There has been talk of the series being adapted for movies or television and I hope to God they find someone who understands the darkness of the series and why that darkness matters. I hope they find a channel like AMC that will let them get away with the brutality that this content needs to work. In 50 years, The Hunger Games won’t  be in a conversational about incredible movies because they sacrificed content for a PG-13 rating. The Hunger Games was decent, but sacrificed the brutality of the books for ticket sales. At the core of a series like The Hunger Games or GONE you have to remember that the power of these characters’ journeys stems from the incredible odds they have to overcome, and yes, sometimes that means killing other children to survive.

The violence, sex, drugs, etc in the GONE series is there as a reminder. A reminder that sometimes, sometimes the world can be an incredibly dark place. The people who get up in arms about the content of these books and the situations that these kids are placed in are missing the point. You’re supposed to be horrified, just as these children are, but you’re also supposed to understand something; for every bit of darkness, there is light. There is love. There is mercy. There is friendship. The children of Perdido Beach all make their journeys along that spectrum. Some end up embracing the darkness and the evil, but some embrace the hope; the light, and that’s all that matters.

One Powerful Republic

Sometimes an artist I enjoy will release an album and it will terrify me. I’ll be terrified because I think they’ve set a benchmark that will be hard for them to ever compete with, especially with their own records.

Coldplay did it with X&Y.

My Chemical Romance did it with Welcome to the Black Parade.

U2 did it with How To Dismantle an Atomic Bomb. 

OneRepublic just did it with Native.

Native is one of the best albums I’ve ever listened to and is definitely the best outing from OneRepublic. This is saying something, because I thought Waking Up was fantastic. They took a different turn from Dreaming Out Loud and went into a more poppy, radio sound. Native sounds like a mix between both of their earlier albums. There are songs that hit the road with the pop sound and will be played all over radio stations for months to come. “Counting Stars,” “If I Lose Myself,” “Feel Again,” “I Lived,” the list just keeps going on songs that work.

They also turn it around on some songs and go into some of the more deep motifs from Dreaming Out Loud. “Preacher” stands out as a track bursting from the seams with emotion. It seems to be more of a story set to music than a song meant for the radio. It’s almost as if the band is sitting us all down for a story in front of a fireplace. Ryan Tedder tells us the story of his grandfather and the lessons that he passed down. It’s a truly great track.

When I judge albums, I judge them on one factor more than others. I judge it on how much I want to press shuffle, or how much I want to listen to the album 8-track style. 8-Tracks, for those who don’t know, are un-skippable, un-rewindable, tapes. You have to listen to the whole album all the way through before listening to it again. Very few albums achieve something like this nowadays. With iTunes, Amazon, MP3 players, etc; it’s easy to skip through songs. Native keeps you in the moment though. You just fall into the album and let it wash over you like a cool wave. It’s just that good.

A solid 9.5/10 from me. It loses .5 for “Feel Again” being an almost direct rip off of “The Dog Days Are Over.” The song is still great, but it’s impossible not to notice the huge similarities.

 

Escaping Cancer

For the last few months we’ve had to deal with some hard truths in my family.

My mom has cervical cancer. She has one 1-ft mass and another, smaller, one in her body.

This whole ordeal started on my 23rd birthday as my mom was rushed to the hospital by the girl who lives with us in the early hours of the a.m. She was in incredible pain. The doctors at that hospital didn’t really give her the time of day (we don’t have health insurance) and she scheduled an appointment with a specialist after getting some massive pain meds. Through the appointments, the scans, and the biopsies, we found out it was cancer.

My mom turns 50 in April. This is incredibly scary for me. Not the turning 50 thing, but the realization that on Monday morning (the 25th) she goes in for surgery and might not make it out. She’s super optimistic about the whole thing, brushing off whims of danger as if she were Jay-Z and they were simply dust on her shoulder. I’m optimistic, but wary…careful. This is a big deal.

Throughout this experience I’ve dove into some video games with the sole purpose of not thinking about this thing. Tomb Raider, Fallout: New Vegas, and Mass Effect 3 have kept me plenty occupied in times where I need to escape. Hospitals freak me out and make me nervous. My mom was in one for 5 days when they found out she had diabetes a few weeks ago. They had to acclimate her body to the insulin and get her blood sugar to the right levels. It’s supposed to be between 70-110. It was 366 the day she checked in. They don’t know if this is a side effect of the masses or what, but we got everything worked out. I visited her once or twice and bought her some presents (A gurlfriends card and some beach wisdom from Cracker Barrel 😀 ), but mostly I stayed home while others visited her because looking at her in a hospital bed freaked me out so much.

I don’t want to lose my mom.

So again, I dove into video games. Logging hundreds of hours over multiple titles. These games kept me sane. They kept me in a place where it was OK to be scared, but that eventually, good wins out. I wasn’t worrying about day to day things. I wasn’t worried about surgeries, or medicines, or hospitals. I was free.

On March 26th, the day after my mom’s major surgery to get everything removed and fixed, I’ll be playing BioShock: Infinite. That’ll be my coping mechanism for the week. This time she’ll be in the hospital for longer, so I’ll visit her more often (she keeps telling me that she understands, but she loves it when I’m around because I make inappropriate jokes around the hospital staff and that makes her laugh). It’s just good to know that there’s a place for me when I need it. This moment’s place is a city in the early 1900’s called Columbia. Should I get too stressed out or worried, it will be my home.

This is why I play video games.

Saying Goodbye To Mass Effect

 

 

On March 5th, 2013, the final chapter of Mass Effect DLC will hit. This is a rough moment for me, as I’ve spent years falling in love with this universe and these characters. I know there will be more Mass Effect games and that they’ll probably capture seasons of my life like this series did, but it’s still hard to move on.

Mass Effect 1 launched in November 2007. It was one of the first games I ever played for 360. I adored it. Everything about it reminded of why I loved games like KOTOR and the like. I bought all the DLC that was released and played through it multiple times; rethinking decisions and conversations that I’d had with characters to hone my Shepard into the perfect one I wanted. I was essentially writing and re-writing Shepard’s tale.

Mass Effect 2 came along during my second year of college. I pre-ordered the collector’s edition and stood in line for hours with some of my friends just to be able to pick it up at midnight. This installment allowed the decisions of the first game to be imported. That was the first time I’d ever heard of something like that. My Shepard was still my Shepard. I played this one multiple times and in multiple ways as well; knowing that the conclusion would come in the next game. I made sure to replay the ending and make sure ALL of my squad-mates survived. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet.

Mass Effect 3 launched over Spring Break for my senior year of college. I decided to stay at the school and play it instead of head home for the holiday. I spent the week pouring over the game and the decisions and alternating play times with food and episodes of “Archer” on Netflix. Hours were spent having conversations, revisiting old friends, and making the final journey with my Shepard.

Then I beat it. I finished the game, cried a bit, did a final save, and turned off my console. Shepard’s tale was over. Then the Extended Cut was announced, and more DLC (which I expected). Shepard had a few more adventures left in him. I’ve purchased all the DLC (story-wise) for the game so far and I’ve been playing through it these past few weeks. I’m coasting my play times so that I’ll be able to jump into the last bit of DLC on the 5th. After that, I’ll have to say goodbye for real.

I think that I’m ready this time. I’ve grown to love these characters, and had to say goodbye to some of them during the play-through of 3 anyways, but this time is for good. There is no replay after this completion. My Shepard’s tale will have written its final pages and will be closed. Rarely does a game like this come along. The Mass Effect series has held my attention, money, and time for almost 6 years, and what a great 6 they were.

I’m excited for what BioWare does in the future, and I’ll eagerly await whatever they decide to release. For now though, I’m saying my goodbyes to Mass Effect.

You changed my life, and I’ll never forget you for it.

-Sam

 

 

Dead Space 3: More Method than Madness

CAUTION: SPOILERS FOR THE DEAD SPACE SERIES INCLUDED IN THIS REVIEW

Dead Space 3 gets a ton of things right. This entry into the series, up until the after-credits scene, is a  fitting end to a long hard few days for Issac Clarke.

This game begins w/ Issac having broken up w/ Ellie from Dead Space 2 after seemingly becoming a recluse and desperately trying to figure out how to stop the coming end of humanity. Everyone thinks he’s just gone nuts from the stress/mind issues of the previous games. All of the sudden his apartment is broken into and he’s thrust on this adventure as Danik tries to kill him and bring the end of humanity by activating the final marker. Obviously, Issac can’t let that happen.

Dead Space 3’s story is the culmination of the series. The final resolution is on its way as Issac has to stop Danik and save humanity. Visceral has been fantastic on delivering tight, epic narrative for this series. This entry is no different. The story here is emotional, scary, and, at time, surprisingly heartfelt. There are moments in this game where you realize, “Damn. This is happening. This is rough.” These moments make the game that much more emotive and the player, at least for me, that much more empathetic.

Issac Clarke can’t catch a break. While the story in 3 is pretty incredible, I still don’t think it manages to hit the bar set by 2. There were moments in 2 that will forever be seared into my memory. There were moments that legitimately disturbed me and made me uncomfortable. This is a good thing. Not once did I feel that in 3. 3 is more of an action game w/ horror elements throughout. Some fans think this is a bad thing. I don’t. The game mixes both action and horror really well and still hits the right notes throughout. I was never bored, but I was never horrified either. Sure, there are new Necromorphs, but none of them are scarier than anything from the rest of the series.

Dead Space 3 wants the characters to shine in this entry and boy do they. The characters in this are brilliantly written. Even as people are dying off (it’s the last game in a trilogy, lots of people are going to die) they manage to make each on hurt in their own special way. People are left behind. People are killed to save others. Tough decisions have to be made, and are.

The gameplay is pretty much the same as the other entries, save for co-op (Which I haven’t experienced yet) and customization. You can make a crazy amount of awesome weapons in this game. The new Bench tool creation system makes mixing and matching weapon parts exhilarating. (I stuck w/ the Evangelizer Shotgun and Mjonir throughout the majority of the game. I like to keep beasties away from me, but when they do get close Mjolnir kills ’em quick.) There are also Scavenger bots that will pick up resources for you during the game. These come in incredibly handy during the later parts of the story. (DOWNLOAD THE PERSONALITY PACK FOR THESE GUYS! It’s seriously one of the funniest parts of the game and added a much needed does of humor in the midst of horror.)

The flying missions continue to be a high point of the series for me. I love these levels. Flying, shooting, and dodging make these sections and adrenaline boost whilst remaining fun and light. In the usual missions, it’s dark and scary. These are bright and exciting. There are a good 4-5 of these throughout the 19 chapters of 3. ENJOY THEM.

The soundtrack/sound design here is brilliant as well. The game is scary. Skittering sounds of claws in walls, cries of agony from Necromorphs, depth perceptive sound coming from other rooms or down corridors; this game gets these things right.

Graphics are about the same as 2 with some nice additions. Issac’s visor now gives off light meaning, you’ll see 3 bars of green (or other shapes depending on the suit you’re wearing) shining on the walls as you walk around. I thought this was pretty cool. There are tons of suits you can unlock/buy, so finding out which ones do what is a pretty cool experience. It’s also a nice level of dimension for the gameplay.

And now for what ruined the ending for me. Again, SPOILERS FOLLOW.

At the end of the game, everything seems to resolve for Issac. He and Ellie get back together long enough for him to apologize for everything and save her. He forces her to leave the planet so he can blow everything up w/ Carver and save humanity. She jumps in a ship and blasts off as he fights the last enemy and flips the switch to save the world. As everything is exploding the world slows down, Issac takes a deep breath, looks at his picture of Ellie, smiles, and closes his eyes. His mask was gone (was broken earlier and he ripped it off) and everything goes bright as the planet explodes and he floats into space. Ellie calls his name on the comms after seeing the planet explode. She calls for him and Carver. After no answer, she begins crying and mentions the marker signal is gone. “You did it Issac. You did it.” She says this between tears and turns the ship around before leaping into shock-space and leaving. ROLL CREDITS.

Now, after the credits the screen goes black and you hear Issac call out, “Ellie? ELLIE?!”

That’s it. After everything, Issac is somehow alive. At least, I think that’s what the writers want us to think. If that’s true and he is actually alive then that is terrible on a level like “The Dark Knight Rises.” Everything leading up to his death, INCLUDING his death, is pretty effective and blatant. Issac surviving is so ridiculous that it shouldn’t even be a possibility. The story is immensely better if he is dead. He gave up everything to save humanity, and that’s beautiful. If he doesn’t die, that ending is tarnished in my opinion. It doesn’t hurt as much.

If it’s some weird “afterlife voice” then I’m cool w/ that, but it doesn’t seem like it at the time. It’s the equivalent of Shepard breathing after the end of Mass Effect 3. It just doesn’t make sense, and hurts the story.

This is a huge misstep for an otherwise awesome game.

9/10 here for me. Awesome finale.

Have you played the game? Agree/Disagree w/ my review? Let me know in the comments!

I Don’t Feel #Wonderstruck…

I wanted to write about seeing Les Mis or playing through Far Cry 3, but the inspiration for those posts won’t flow.

For the past week or so I’ve been doing the #livewonderstruck challenge. I don’t feel wonderstruck though.

Here’s what my family has found out since December 12th, 2012:

– My mom has cancer. We don’t know much more than that because treatments and appointments cost money; money that we don’t have.

– Short of a miracle, we’ll be out of a house in March.

– We barely have money for groceries/bills as they come in. Basically parts of everyone’s checks go to paying bills for the house.

– We have one car for 4 people, 3 of which have jobs that require them to leave the house.

– I can’t find another job (on top of the one I have) because I don’t have reliable transportation (see above).

I mean,  I’m a 23 year old white male living in America. Things should be peachy-keen for me right? And I shouldn’t complain because, for now, at least I HAVE a house. That’s better than like 80% of the world right now.

I hate it when people say these things. Shit falls on everyone. It doesn’t feel better or worse depending on where you are or what you have. Bill Gates has probably had some pretty shitty days. You wouldn’t say, “Dude, you’re like in the top 3 richest people in the world. Quit your complaining!” would you (some of you probably would, humor me)?

My birthday had my mom in the hospital. Christmas, we were too broke to get/give presents, but we were able to find out my mom had cancer. Her next appointment (we have no idea where the money will come from) is on Valentine’s Day. Easter better watch the fuck out.

What the hey right? Rain falls on the just and the unjust alike.

It’s been really rainy lately, and I fucking hate it.